Strictly Late

Ok my fellow Strictly devotees here is the shit: Opening dance was as dull as bloody ditchwater and Bruce is back...still dull dancing is one hundred per cent better then nay dancing so who am I to whinge. Also, in some hideous DNA malfunctioning error my 6 year old has decided she really loves "that funny man who does the funny dance" so she's not allowed to watch it anymore!

Abby and Aljaz - Jive
Stompy and a bit slow but a week 3 jive is never going to be that outstanding (mind I said that about a week 2 charleston and look what Sophie did!). Anyway not bad enough to mock not good enough to rave over. She did look beautiful though, another fantastic costume week!
Scores: Me - 6 Judges 6,7,8,7 (Len is deluded!)

Patrick and Anya - Foxtrot
Perfectly pleasant, quite stylish actually if a tiny bit slow.
Scores: Me - 7 Judges - 6,7,7,7

Dave and Karen - Paso Doble
Telly - give up and go home now because you will never, ever beat that! Horrific and compelling it hurt my stomach with laughter but my heart with some weird love I feel for the funny bugger. Awesome! Can't resist posting it for your viewing pleasure!
Me - 5 (but really 11) Judges - 2,5,5,4

Fiona and Anton - Waltz
Poor buggers, it must be hard trying to perform a beautiful and elegant dance after the sheer madness that they had to follow. It was fine, a bit stilted but fine.
Me - 7 Judges - 7,7,7,7

Rachel and Pasha - Cha Cha Cha
Pasha is my fav of the male pro dancers - I totally would, aal ower the shop, I'm pointing this out because, much like when Derek Hough dances on Dancing With the Stars, I erm, well. Look lets me honest here - I forgot to look at her. I'm a terrible person, I know, we all know but right I am an amazing and experienced pervert and here look at this:

Anyhoo Scores - 7, Judges - 6,7,7,7

Mark and Iveta - American Smooth 
Very nice and sweet
Scores: Me - 6 Judges - 6,6,7,7

NOTE - Gosh it's all so lovely and sweet and pleasant, and right I know it's 'Love' week and all but where's the goddamn passion eh? Where's the heat. I have never known love to be sweet and pleasant and nice, it's filthy and hard and intoxicating. It's all too nice, I have nothing to get my teeth into. It's like eating chocolate torte really, it's all nice and that but then you feel sick. I'm now a bit annoyed by the safeness and mehness with the very notable exception of Barking Mad Myers.

Ben and Kristina - Rumba
Oh well, FINALLY! A load of passion, a bit of hip action, he was working his (frankly gorgeous) face! Not perfect but finally a bit of HEAT! Also does anyone else find Kristina's arse hypnotic? Just me? Finally a TON of personality from Ben. Loved it they are getting an extra point from me for not being safe and boring!
Scores - Me -8 Judges - 7,7,7,7

Sophie and Brendan - Samba
HURRAH, finally this show is moving and shaking and rolling all over the shop. STUFFED full of steps I absolutely loved that, and she coped with it so, so well. I am team Sophie!  I have the Brendan love  too and he's raised his game and his choreography, and so this is joyful.
Scores - Me - 8 Judges - 7,8,8,8,

Julien and Janette - Jive
More bonkers antics from JULIEN who randomly shouts the ODD word in a WEIRD and distracting manner! HAHAAHH. Erm. This routine was great, really stylish, lovely Blues Brothers homage, her legs are amazing and she dragged him through that by the skin of his teeth. Strangely entertaining
Scores - Me - 4 Judges - 4,5,7,6 (I think Len's been on the happy pills me like)

Susanna and Kevin - Waltz
Really lovely, romantic but not sickly, she's a great actress too and she's so so stunning. Good job
Scores - Me - 8 Judges 8.9.9.8

Vanessa and James - Tango
Look I'm not being mean (apart from totally being mean), but what the very fuck have they done to her hair? Dudes this is the only foot wrong in the entire of the costumes and hair/make up but it's a doozy! Also this dance was so bad that I was actually embarrassed and had to watch it through my fingers - not with delight like Dave and Karen, but in definite cringeville. They deserve the boot for this one methinks! No amount of tearful  outpourings on her love of the dance should save her now!
Scores - me - 3 Judges - 3,5,6,6

Ashley and O'LaLa - Samba
Not blinking bad I thought, good rhythm, good synchronicity, a tiny bit saucy a really good routine I thought.
Scores - Me -  8 Judges - 8,8.7.8 - oooh the happy pills have run out.. quick get Len a G&T!

Natalie and Artem - Rumba
Her movements are beautiful, the chick can move. She is an exquisite dancer and that was a lovely routine. Did anyone else think there was a lack of heat though? It left me a tiny bit cold. The Joey Tribbiani theory of on stage chemistry goes - if there is passion on stage you have nothing to worry about, it's all out there. If there is no passion on stage you should worry as it means passion is happening off stage...now I'm just repeating what this wise and fictional character said...I'm not starting any viscious rumours nor nowt, I'm just saying. Slightly passionless for me but still really beautiful, I think this might just be me eh?
Scores Me - 8 Judges - 9,9,9,9

Deborah and Robin - Quickstep
You flipping go smiler! Her face lights up when she's dancing it is so freaking adorable and charming and lovely, she's just lovely to watch because of her obvious pleasure. And she did a really good job too a fabulous quickstep. I honestly kinda of well up a little watching her, she's so happy. It's lovely (you were utterly right Gillian Coyle!)
Scores - Me - 7 Judges - 7,7,7,7

RESULTS SHOW!

Another disappointing opening dance. Booo. Maybe I'm just a miserable loveless coobag this week or maybe I'm becoming horrendously cynical and disgusterous as I age. Bah it was dull, I'm a cow...moving on!

Andrea Bocelli and snoggy dancing from Aliona (also with terrible hair) and Aljaz were both exquiste, his voice is so beautiful and they danced beautifully. Lovely.

Favourite WINKLEMAN moment during Len's Lens when she said "Ring a ding ding" she is also a colossal perv  I think, which just makes me love her all the more!

Dance off - Julien and Janette and Vanessa and James. I called this, and was not even vaugely surprised UNTIL Julien managed to up his game during the dance off, I really expected them to go but was ultimately glad it was Vanessa and James. Is this the earliest James has gone out? He took it pretty well.

Sigggggggggggh I hope the next theme is ROCK or summat this lovely dovey crap was a bit sickly for my liking. See youse next week Strictly fans!
x

PS extra treat, no need to thank me, just LOOK at the boy MOVE!